4. People Who Hate Chick-Fil-A

*Puts on flak jacket and helmet* Bring on the hate mail.

In the past few weeks, I’ve seen a huge spike in news stories and Facebook Activists (who will be getting their own entry in the near future) that are solely dedicated to attacking Chick-Fil-A, everyone’s 6th favorite fast food establishment. I’ve seen calls for boycotts, pictures of protests, and oodles upon oodles of pictures intended to fill me with burning hatred for this awful, awful business. The only good thing about this is that I finally get to stop seeing pictures of George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin’s hoodie on my front page. They’ve moved on to the latest outrage du jour, you see.

Now, I enjoy a good hate fest as much as the next person (as anyone with reading comprehension skills should have guessed by now), but doesn’t this strike anyone as a little excessive? So the executive of Chick-Fil-A doesn’t like gay people. Big fucking deal. Why is this a problem? Chick-Fil-A has never fire-bombed a gay club. I’ve never seen Chick-Fil-A employees corner a lone gay man and beat him to death. And last time I checked, the recipe for their sandwiches didn’t include a mind-controlling chemical that makes us all listen to Alan Jackson  and vote against gay marriage.

For some reason, people seem to be forgetting that the main operation of the business is selling chicken sandwiches. Mediocre sandwiches, but sandwiches nonetheless. Actively, they are doing absolutely nothing to hurt or help the gay marriage argument. In-N-Out Burger is a Christian business and they probably don’t support gay marriage either, but does that mean I’m going to stop eating In-N-Out? Fuck no. Because those burgers are the closest thing I will ever get to meeting God himself. The only thing Chick-Fil-A is guilty of is being run by close minded people, and yet there are hundreds of petitions to ban the entire business. Which is illegal, by the way.

The real mystery to me is why there are dozens upon dozens of corporations in this country that are guilty of so much worse sins than Chick-Fil-A, and yet no one seems to care. Exxon and BP polluted entire oceans with their shoddy maintenance. Bankers and Wall Street have driven our country into an economic recession. Wal-Mart has been the Grim Reaper of small businesses since its inception. But Chick-Fil-A gave some sandwiches to fundamentalists, so they’re the Big Satan. I wish that everyone that was calling for Chick-Fil-A’s blood would stop posting on Facebook and stop trying to stir up anymore fake outrage and do what our forefathers would have done in a situation like this. Get drunk, dress up like the Village People, and throw a bunch of chicken sandwiches into Boston Harbor. Maybe then I’ll take you seriously.


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