10. Skrillex

Back when I was an innocent younger, still untouched by cynicism, I had many fears for the future. Some of them, like my fear of a man hiding in my closet, have gone away with time (Although that may have something to do with the fact that I have intentionally avoided rooms with closets for the past 10 years). However, some of them have followed me into my adult life. My biggest ongoing fear has been getting older. I never wanted to be one of those miserable old geezers sitting on a porch bitching about kids these days and how they have no sense and they’re too loud and they never take care of me and they’re putting me into a home.

Even a year ago, I still thought “Well, I may not like candy anymore and I don’t really play video games and I’m starting to worry about paying bills, but I’m still young! I’m still hip. I’m still with it. Right?”

Then I heard Skrillex for the first time and all my youthful fantasies went right into the shitter.

This is how dubstep makes me feel.

This can’t be what kids these days are listening to now, can it? Music has the potential to capture your imagination and enhance the world around you. Whenever I hear Skrillex, I can only imagine two Decepticons fucking on ecstasy in an abandoned parking garage in Leipzig. There is nothing pleasant about that. I remember back when I was in high school and we used to make fun of Nickelback for being such a shitty band. Nickelback, I owe you an apology. Skrillex makes you sound like Vivaldi.

And since we’re already in its territory anyway, I hate dubstep as well. It has taken the spot that was formerly held by gangsta rap as My Least Favorite Music Played By Assholes Driving Next To Me. If I were to go back fifty years in time and play a dubstep song for anyone, I would immediately be arrested on the grounds of disturbing the peace and possibly being a Communist Martian. God knows I have tried so many times to find something to enjoy about the genre as I have many friends that enjoy it. I now realize that they are not my friends. They are robot replicas of my former friends sent to fill my life with terrible sounds.

The thing that concerns me is that as music takes a more and more electronic bent, is this the future? Can we look forward to a day when people imitating the guitar licks of Jimi Hendrix, The White Stripes, and other bands that feature archaic concepts such as “instruments” and “melody” are rendered extinct by a techno-obsessed rabble that flap their arms and screech “BLEEP BLOOP” and “WUB-WUB-WUB” to imitate their favorite Skrillex song? If there’s any justice in the world, I will be dead deaf by then.

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