13. Bumper Stickers

Bumper stickers are very much like tattoos; in that people get them to express themselves, few of them are original, and too many will make you look like you spend your summers at Camp Douchebag.

This is what happens when misguided individuality goes too far. There are certain situations that call for uniformity. Trying to blend in after bumping into an aggressive drunk at a party and making him drop his bottle of Piss Beer is one of them. Another is driving. People get bumper stickers primarily to define who they are through their automobile. I can already infer numerous things about you from the car itself. For example, an SUV means you either sell drugs or you are extremely insecure.

This isn’t enough for some people, though. They insist that their personalities be expressed to the world even when they’re enclosed in a speeding mechanical shell. They turn their cars into mobile billboards for their hobbies, philosophies, and political affiliations. “Wow, I had no idea that driver is a vegetarian/parent of an honors student/Ron Paul supporter,” the imaginary drivers in their head say, “Maybe I won’t cut them off now!” They expect, no, DEMAND that the person behind them know exactly who the person driving ten miles under the speed limit in front of them is, shortly before they crash into a tree because they weren’t watching the damn road.

I spend most of my time in Santa Fe, the Bumper Sticker Capital of The World (tourism slogan pending). As such, I’m treated to a variety of bumper stickers. I’ve made a little game for it, and you can play too!

10 Points

Any Republican or Democratic sticker (Double points for 3rd party, triple points for Ron Paul)

My Child Is an Honor Student or related stickers

The American Flag

20 Points

Presidential campaign bumper stickers (Double points for every election cycle that has passed i.e. Bush/Cheney, triple if they lost)

“Funny” bumper stickers (Instant high score if it’s a new joke that you’ve never ever heard before)

Coexist stickers or anything “peace” related

Semper Fi or any sticker featuring bullshit military maxims

30 Points

Obnoxious atheist stickers

Obnoxious Jesus stickers

Pothead stickers (Bob Marley, Pot Leaf, Sublime Logo, etc.)

500 Points and a Backrub

A new, creative, interesting bumper sticker that has never been seen before

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