15. Paul Ryan

It’s been hard to pinpoint Mitt Romney’s actual campaign platform since his nomination. It’s understandable. He’s a Mormon ex-CEO that’s trying to appeal to both the GOP base voters and Independent-middle class voters. Dificulty-wise, this is akin to having your right arm and leg chopped off and then told to do an interpretative dance to La Bamba for the blind. Thus, he had to be careful about stating what he supports. With Paul Ryan as his vice-presidential candidate, we can finally infer something about Romney’s goals for his possible administration. He wishes to begin Armageddon.

Paul Ryan scares me. More than Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, and John Boehner’s fake tan combined. He represents everything backwards about the modern conservative party (obstructionism, chauvinism, intellectual dishonesty) and looks vaguely like he could star in American Psycho 2: Mr. Bateman Goes To Washington. His nomination continues the long line of Republican herp-a-derp that has plagued the GOP since the 2008 election. Rather than settling and picking a generic, inoffensive candidate, the Romney Campaign instead picked an Ayn Rand-worshiping incubus that will pull our national conversation even deeper into the right wing. We will be forced to watch grown and educated men debate whether it’s morally acceptable to charge rape victims for their sheer audacity in getting raped.

So, what does the mainstream media do? Do they do their best to present Paul Ryan and his policies as objectively as they can? Do they perform an in-depth examination of what his nomination means for the election? Of course not, you silly bitch. No one wants to see stuff like that on their television! We need to keep the focus where it’s important, what the real factors are in choosing our next leaders. Specifically, how bangin’ he is. Remember how well that worked out last time they tried something to that effect?

Here’s a reminder.

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