19. Todd Akin

I’ve just finished reading “The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt”. It’s a weighty biography that covers the early, pre-presidential of our most masculine president. One thing that continually struck me throughout the book was the amazing confidence and drive that Theodore Roosevelt possessed. The scientific term for it is “balls”. After finishing, I started reflecting on our current crop of politicians and how deficient they are in the “balls” category.

Enter Todd Akin.

Now this is a man with balls. Here is a man, probably moderately educated and aware of the current socio-political climate, who went on television and not only described the question of whether a rape victim should get an abortion as a “tough ethical issue”, but that women’s bodies could prevent pregnancy from certain kinds of rape. In terms of scientific accuracy, this is like saying that toilets are secretly biological organisms that feed off of our poop.

Two days later, Akin has sparked more controversy than Michael Phelps’ bong, Miley Cyrus’ hair, and James Holmes combined. He could not have pissed more people off if he had given the interview in a Hitler costume. In light of this, the Republican party has torn a rift in the universe trying to put more distance between themselves and Akin. Even Mitt Romney has come out of his hole and stated his actual opinion on the subject, which means that Paul Ryan has to wear a groundhog costume and we must have six more weeks of winter.

Desperate to stem the media frenzy, Akin has been pressured to drop out of his Senatorial Campaign. Rather than admit that what he said was a brutally ignorant statement that will no doubt bring dozens of pro and anti-abortion arguments to my Facebook Mini-feed and throw in the towel, Akin has merely responded with a weak-ass video of apology and claim that he will “rush to the gunfire”, as if protecting one of the dumber things said in this decade is a heroic feat worthy of military metaphor. In his own mind, Akin is a hero of free speech and really bringing up the big issues of our country. To the world, Todd Akin is Leeroy Jenkins.

Pictured (on left): Todd Akin

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