26. The Election

Centuries ago, there was a tribe of primitive peoples that lived on the banks of the Amazon River. When their leader died, a competition was organized in which any aspiring leaders were given clubs and stood in piranha infested water and beat each other until there was only one man left. There are days in which I wonder whether theirs was the better system. I would suggest that Obama and Romney do the same, but I’m afraid Romney may hold the advantage as piranhas do not attack robots.

Election season is always a bitter time to be an American citizen. You can’t flip on the TV, carry on a polite conversation, or even listen to the radio (remember the radio?) without hearing some reminder that Candidate A is superior and Candidate B will surely kill us all. Social interactions take on a new edge as any flippant remark about the candidates could lead to a firestorm of debate that will end in bloodshed, tears, and one guy loudly yelling “RON PAUL” over and over to increasingly deaf ears.

As the clock tics closer and closer to Election Day, the election itself takes on more and more significance. Once mild discourse gives way to screaming and name calling. Pundits implore their viewers to move to Canada. Innocent campaign ads now resort to photoshopping the opposing candidate casually sharing a beer with Hitler. Once rational people become animals while relationships and friendships are destroyed in savage political combat. Like Lord of the Flies.

The matchup itself is a total fucking snooze. Obama versus McCain had the themes and action of great, timeless theater: Old versus Young, The Establishment versus New Blood, Hick versus Hoochie.

And this bitch.

After four years of bitching, moaning, kicking and screaming about the results of the ’08 Election, the Republicans chose Mitt Romney as the most powerful warrior in their tribe. The problem is that no one wants to hang out with Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney isn’t the guy you hang out with and, by extension, elect president. Mitt Romney is the guy who chases you from your girlfriend’s house with a rake because he found you fingerbanging his daughter while she was supposed to be at Mass. Thus, I can’t get engaged in the election. I don’t like movies with unlikeable characters and that applies to my political views as well. Debates are already hard to watch, but they’re even harder when one of the people debating could easily play a movie villain from the 1980’s.

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