27. 5 Hour Energy

The War on Drugs has created a curious phenomenon in our culture. Over time, companies have realized that they can manufacture versions of street drugs that provide some of the benefits (e.g. the “getting high” part) with none of that nasty illegality. I’ve seen fake weed (spice, K2) and fake psychedelics (saliva, cough medicine) but the most insidious fake drug of all is 5-Hour Energy, which is more recognizable in its street form: meth.

Let’s start with this argument: No one needs that much fucking caffeine. Nobody. The human race was able to build pyramids, navigate the untamed wilderness of the Northwest Territory, and invade Russia god-knows-how-many times all without the help of 5-Hour Energy, Monster, Nas, or any other “energy drinks” that, in a pinch, could be used as jet fuel. There’s a reason that there is a man running up a cliff on the front of the label. It’s because he ran out of shit to do on 5 Hour Energy and now he’s just running around landscapes to burn off the rest of his high.

And yet strangely, some of our friends now require some of these drinks to even function. They can’t even drink coffee anymore because it’s too weak. Remember the slippery slope argument that they used to scare you out of smoking pot in high school? That pot was a gateway drug and one hit off a doobie would set a chain of events in motion that left you in a crackhouse blowing some guy named Dirt for twenty bucks?

I submit my own diagram:

Soft Drinks—>Coffee—>Energy Drinks—>Napalm—>Crystal Meth—>Gary Busey

A sobering theory, indeed.

The worst part of 5-Hour Energy is that it claims to have no crash. It says it right there on the fucking bottle. I hate when products lie to me, especially when they’re blatant about it. To say that 5 Hour Energy doesn’t give you a crash is like advertising any kind of liquor as hangover-proof. It’s a basic denial of human chemistry. If you ingest a bunch of stimulants, you will crash. And it is one hell of a crash, let me tell you. The first and only time I took a 5 Hour Energy, the crash was so bad that you could have set the chair I was sitting in on fire and I probably wouldn’t move because it would be too much effort.

And for those that claim this shit is totally safe and I’m just spitting hot fire at nothing as I am liable to do, I’d like to point out this article in the New York Times that links 13 deaths to the use of 5 Hour Energy. I may be a pussy for just sticking to coffee, but at least I’ll be the pussy without heart/kidney problems, energy deficiency, or kidney stones big enough to sink the Titanic if when I’m 50.

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