28. People Who Bitch About The Holidays

Yesterday our nation observed the tradition of Thanksgiving (or as it’s called in New Mexico, Ethnic Tension Day), the annual holiday in which every American grows a second stomach in the middle of the night and over the course of the day devours 1.5X their body weight in beer food. With the observance of Thanksgiving, we are now deep into the Holiday Splooge Period of our calendar, which is defined as the period of time in which you cannot set foot into a supermarket without seeing some kind of festive product on prominent display while that fucking “Wonderful Christmastime” song by Paul McCartney plays.

With this high-holy period there also manifests a special breed of person that, presumably because some close family member or dog was hit by a bus on a major holiday, holds a massive vendetta against holidays and will not be satisfied until everyone else’ life is as empty of magic as theirs. You can spot them as early as Mid-November as your Facebook feed begins to fill up with statements about how it’s ignorant to celebrate the extermination of the Native Americans or how disgusting it is that we have an entire holiday set aside for eating. This inevitably evolves into the current rash of people complaining on Facebook and Twitter about Black Friday and, by extension, Christmas for being a celebration of American consumerism. These complaints are made, presumably, from Microsoft or Apple computers or a cellular device from Sprint, AT&T, or any number of cell phone companies or providers.

Humans need holidays. It goes back to our earliest periods of civilization when we used to tear people’s hearts out so that it would rain on Wednesday. Content-wise, we’ve definitely cleaned it up since then. Are the roots of Thanksgiving based on the lies and hypocrisy of our earliest settlers? Probably, yeah. Does that take away from the fact that most of us are able to get together with a group of people that we enjoy to eat ourselves into a coma? I don’t think so. Getting an extra helping of stuffing doesn’t make me guilty of supporting genocide just the same as eating bratwurst doesn’t make me a Holocaust denier.

Just because the reasoning for a holiday is shitty doesn’t take away from the fact that it’s a holiday. Like many other things in life, it’s exactly what you make of it. It’s a time during the year that most of us can take a brief break from our boring-milquetoast-humdrum lives to spend time with family, catch up on rest, or drink until we take on a department store Santa and three of his reindeer with a cane we stole from Brooks Brothers. And if you can’t get off your anti-holiday pedestal where you mistakenly believe that in opposing something you’re intelligent or edgy, then we’re going to have all that fun without you.

That said, fuck Valentine’s Day.

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