31. Gun Nuts

By now, anyone with an internet or a mother is familiar with the Sandy Hook Elementary Shooting. The amount of outrage and anguish generated has been enough that we nearly forget about the other shooting rampages that have taken place this year. All sixteen of them.

You picked the wrong year to pretend to be crazy, Sideshow Bob.


Sandy Hook is probably the most shocking and tragic thing to take place in our country’s history since 9/11. I have five younger siblings, three of them around the age of the Sandy Hook victims. I literally cannot bring myself to read about those kids because it hits far too close to home. I don’t believe in an afterlife, but I do hope that a hell was created just so the little nameless shitstain that was responsible, mental illness or no, can feel a fraction of the pain and loss that he brought into the world through his actions. Anyone that claims that this is the way of the world and that we should just accept it is a coward and another contributor to our dying garbage do-nothing culture.


It’s the latest in a series of gun massacres, most of them with legally purchased firearms, that have been taking place pretty consistently since mid-February and has left 88 people dead and hundreds more injured. You may not have heard of most of these incidents since the victims weren’t tragically young or watching a popular movie so the mainstream media didn’t really care so much. It’s taken the needless deaths of six adults and almost an entire first grade class for us as a nation to question whether maybe possibly it shouldn’t be so easy for us to access firearms. Gun enthusiasts around the nation agree and, although they themselves are responsible with their firearms, they also acknowledge that other people are not as trustworthy and are also pushing for some kind of reform.





Just kidding! I had you going there for a second, didn’t I? This is America, you silly bitch, where rational discourse and objective thought always takes a backseat to fear mongering, slogans, and macho bullshit. Gun nuts, typified by the head of the NRA and overall piece of shit Wayne Lapierre, have gone out of their way to blame everything in the country for the tragedy as long as it doesn’t threaten their precious boomsticks. Not only that, but they have suggested that the tragedy could have been averted if only there were armed cops or teachers at every school. Seriously. You can’t write satire that good.

On a completely related note, any argument that armed personnel would have prevented the tragedy is complete bullshit. And this is why.

Personally, I don’t feel like rounding up and confiscating every gun is the answer, but I also feel that we need to start being a whole lot more selective about who gets a firearm. What the process is on that, I couldn’t tell you. I’m not a politician. I’m just an art student with a blog.

Since the tragedy, the NRA and other organizations have whipped the gun-loving population of America into a massive panic that the government is coming to take their guns away, further nurturing the fantasy world that some conservatives live in which they are the scrappy band of freedom fighters against the Evil Obama Empire *cue sinister music*.

This is how some gun advocates see themselves.

It’s a long term fear that conservative groups love to use to stir up their base. That’s a real website, by the way.

That’s all well and good, I appreciate a good public panic as much as the next person, except for one tiny fact. In the wake of the shooting, gun and ammo sales have more than skyrocketed. They’ve taken off into orbit. But I’m sure that’s fine. At least they’re doing the proper background checks and everything. We wouldn’t want those guns to fall into the wrong hands, would we? Those gun types, so responsible.

Oh, great.

At least this is good news for the company that produces Kevlar vests. I know what I’m getting for Christmas.

UPDATE: The nutjob who intentionally set a fire so that he could shoot and kill firefighters in New York yesterday was an ex-con who was on parole after serving 17 years for killing his grandmother with a hammer. Despite this, he still had access to a shotgun, a revolver, and a rifle very similar to that used in  the Sandy Hook shootings. On an even eerier note, he really looks like the crazy incomprehensible gun guy from Hot Fuzz.


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