33. Hipster

This is not an entry about hipsters. That’s because hipsters are not real. This is an entry about the use of the word “hipster” which, over time, has morphed into the most infuriating non-hateful noun, verb, and adjective (because it can be used as all three) that can be used in a daily conversation.

The term started out as a miracle of marketing groupthink. For decades, focus groups and advertising agencies had been trying to nail down a name for young people that did not currently follow any marketing trends so they could realize the ultimate goal of advertising, which is to make sure that every person in America could be defined and pigeonholed into a demographic with three words or less. Then, one fateful day, someone came up with the name “hipster” and the world of marketing rejoiced with the creation of American Apparel.

Want proof? Walk up to ten random people and ask them to define the word “hipster”. If they don’t ignore you or call the police for harassing you, you will probably get ten different, contradictory definitions. After hearing numerous other people’s thoughts, I think I have come up with the definitive meaning for hipster as it is used in common vernacular:

hipster: (noun), a person who dresses, acts, eats, reads, or does anything that is not immediately familiar to you.

Used in a sentence: That guy is a vegetarian. What a hipster.

Another example: He didn’t vote for Obama or Romney. He’s such a goddamn hipster.

Yet another example: Check out the guy eating a bagel without any cream cheese. Fucking hipsters.

Remember in high school when the word “emo” came to mean every single rock band that wasn’t Nickelback or Shinedown? Same idea.

The problem with the use of the word hipster is similar to the problem that the TV character Doug runs into in an episode of the old Nickelodeon show Doug (Another example: You watch old Nickelodeon? Psh, hipster). In the episode, Doug’s school becomes obsessed with a popular show starring a character named Dylan Farnum. The problem is that Dylan Farnum dresses exactly like Doug. Right down to the dorky sweater vest. Everyone at Doug’s school, somehow forgetting that Doug has dressed that way EVERY DAY OF HIS FUCKING LIFE, is just following the Dylan Farnum trend. The episode ends with another show getting popular and the kids telling Doug that he’s behind on the trends. Doug rejoices at being uncool again. Now that I think about it, Doug was a really sad show.

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