34. Pandemic Scares

[Scene opens in a smoky boardroom. In the room are the major players of every American media outlet]

CNN: Happy New Years everybody! I hope everybody has had a few nice quiet news days since that whole debt ceiling business. But vacation time is over! We need to keep the American people on their toes. What’s our new storyline?

FOX News: Obama is going to take our guns away!

CNN: You’ve already done that one. 

MSNBC: There was another gun rampage in-

CNN: Guys, can we back away from the guns? It’s been, like, three weeks. We’re totally over it.

NPR: [Timid] What about the chemical weapons in Syria?

[Awkward moment]

CNN: Who the fuck let NPR in here?

MSNBC: [To NPR] You said you were going to be cool.

NPR: Sorry, al-Jazeera wanted me to pass it on.

FOX News: WHAT?!

CNN: Oh Jesus Christ. 

MSNBC: [Checking voicemail] You guys, when was the last good disease scare we had?

FOX News: …..a couple years, I think?

MSNBC: Apparently the flu is hitting a little earlier than normal this year.

CNN: [Clapping hands together] Hot damn! Alright everyone, sift through your old files and try to cherry pick some stories of people dying of the flu a few years ago. Age doesn’t matter. I’ll get in touch with our Scary Graphics Department and you should all have something in your inboxes by noon. Make sure every anchor uses the words “possible pandemic” at least once per hour. Any questions?

FOX News: [Raising hand] Is this Obama’s fault?

CNN: Meeting adjourned.

I’m not saying this is exactly how our media operates. I’m just saying it’s pretty effing likely.

People have been getting sick with the flu for centuries. However, because it just happened to kill a (scientific term) fuck-ton of people in 1918, it never fails as good nightmare fuel for the media. I could point out that the disease spread due to unsanitary conditions, World War 1, and primitive medical techniques, but common sense never really has a place when there’s a good scare to be had. As such, the media has latched onto the latest batch of flu cases as a sure sign that we are all gonna die guys. We’re totally serious this time, we swear.

Personally, I blame vaccines for the outbreak. In the past ten years, I have only gotten the flu once and it was after I was forced into getting a flu vaccine. I would much rather rely on my superhuman immune system, which is personified in my brain by 10,000 tiny Rambos.

Pictured: My immune system at work.

So if you end up getting the flu (or know a loved one who may have the flu), don’t panic. It’s the same flu that we’ve been getting for years. You’ll have a fever, vomit and poop all of your insides out, and then you’ll be fine. It’s nothing to worry about. Just like bird flu, swine flu, Mad Cow Disease, West Nile Virus, SARS, Tuberculosis, monkeypox, or any other fake ass pandemics that they try to scare us with every few years.

On a side note: Monkeypox? Seriously? Where the hell do they come up with this?


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