55. Everything Relating To The Goddamn Interview

Just when I thought this year was coming to a merciful close (Year In Review Coming Soon!), it was somewhere decided up in the cosmos by the Great Dickhead Dada Gods that what this year was really missing was a jumped up cybercontroversy that could somehow involve an Unholy Trinity of subjects including North Korea, corporate malfeasance, and (most egregiously) James “Motherfucking” Franco.

To try and cover the amount of idiocy, malice, and glue-eating-retarded actions that have taken place in the last 72 hours relating to The Interview would take longer than the movie itself. It would, however, be funnier.

Instead, I would like to take this time and webspace to do what I can to dispel some myths and misconceptions related to this entire pigfucked situation. Then at least I can rest easy on my bed of thorns and nails knowing that I did my tiny part in quieting down the massive cloud of Dumb Noise that has taken over social media. Share if you agree. I just started shelling out money for this real estate.

1. Hacking Sony was not the work of SUPER1337cyberninjas.

I’m gonna show you guys a picture. It will probably clear up any questions as to how a group of individuals were able to burrow so deeply and powerfully into a powerful corporation such as Sony. I mean, they’re a company based in electronics! They’ve gotta have the most badass security this side of The Matrix!

The Helm’s Deep of eSecurity.

Yeah…that’s where Sony kept their passwords. All of ’em. Just hanging out in plain view.

This is why all this pearl clutching about this being the first of what could be many sophisticated Korean cyberattacks on our system is a load of donkey balls. Sony left the back door open and the hackers walked right the fuck in and took everything in the house.

Lately we’ve been seeing reptile people politicians come out of the woodwork to try and use this “masterful” hack as sure proof that America has become a weak little lamb in a world of wolves. You know, when we’re not waterboarding the wolves. Newt “How Do I Still Have A Political Career” Gingrich has already gotten on his Twitterbox claiming that we have “lost our first cyberwar”. In addition to it being so disingenuous that I want to smash my computer with a bat, it also brings us to the next misconception.

2. North Korea is nothing-close-to-anything-slightly-resembling-even-if-you-squint a threat to America.

In decreasing order of reality, I will relate a list of things that are threatening to destroy American life and culture:

1. Congress

2. Economic Inequality

3. Anti-vaxxers







262. Ghidorah, The Three Headed Dragon Monster God

263. North Korea

Are we prepared, America?

For those who may not know, North Korea is one of the most criminally oppressed nations in history. That’s not a typo. UN reports have compared NK’s atrocities to that of Nazi Germany. That’s right. They weren’t afraid to Godwin the entire situation.

In addition to living under the shittiest consecutive rule in nearly one hundred years, North Koreans are also subjected to extreme poverty and starvation, in addition to being completely cut off from communication with the rest of the world. This is all so God King Un and his cronies can live in Western-modeled opulence for the rest of their lives while using their unbelievably powerful propaganda machine to meld his subjects into little cult-like Kim-worshippers that work in the field until they die and are turned into North Korean Soylent Green.

Pictured: North Korea

So, we’re talking about a poverty-stricken dictatorship with a dying populace that is cut off from the rest of the world, economically and diplomatically. Sure, they have warheads, but they’re big and shitty and wouldn’t come close to hitting any of our territories even with a strong wind behind them. They’d be better off shooting water balloons at us.

So, when those threats came in over The Interview being screened, why did everybody shit their pants and do what the hackers said? Was it really the fear of an Olympus Has Fallen moment?

Fuck to the no. It was the greatest fear a corporate entity can encounter: Lawyers.

3. The Interview was cancelled because of greed, not fear.

As soon as word broke that the hackers were promising a 9/11 scenario at screenings of The Interview, the legal department of every major movie theater company sent a hasty email to their handlers informing them that if any moviegoer so much as stubbed a toe during the movie’s run, that person had a case in court.

HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION TIME! I am a person that is interested in seeing The Interview (like I said, hypothetical situation). After the movie, a deeply nationalistic North Korean begins stabbing people around him with a letter opener in fury. I am the only survivor. After doing my nationwide celebrity tragedy tour, I get the best lawyer money can buy and sue the shit out of the theater company as well as Sony for negligence. It’s an open and shut case and Sony has to rename the Playstation the Corbin-Tronic 9000 and I build a boat made of money. The End.

My future hypothetical life of tragedy.

That is the opposite of what Sony and the movie companies want. And so, when the movie companies started mass canceling viewings of the movie out of lawyer-fear, Sony realized that their edgy R-Rated political comedy was going to turn into a financial flop and be the icing on the poop cake of what has been their worst month in history. Canceling was a no brainer. Fear of embarrassment is sometimes more powerful than a fear of death, doubly so when money is involved.

Anyway kids, that’s our lesson for the day. I’m going to get back to work on my year in review now. Have a safe weekend. Try not to read too much news.

Also, I got a Twitter. Because I’m a sellout. You should follow me. That’s all.


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